Today imma tell you a married life story 🙂
But first, a question. Do you feel loved? What is it, exactly, that does or doesn’t make you feel that way? An unexpected gift? A kind word? A reminder that you’re doing something right? When someone remembers something about you? Maybe a good morning text, or a phone call from your mom.
What if you don’t feel loved? You’re going through the motions day after day just waiting, hoping that someone will reach out and love you……in the way you want to be loved. Lately I’ve caught myself moping when I don’t “feel loved”. I’m filtering what love I want to receive (think I deserve to receive if we’re being honest – ouch) instead of recognizing and accepting the myriad of ways that people are loving on me every day.
I came across an entry this morning that I wrote this past February, cautioning my future self against this very thing.
You notice that Joel is settling into loving you – not that he’s not pursuing your heart, but it’s become easier. The little things he says and does become normal. Instead of exciting your heart with the newness of it all, it’s a warm comforting feeling. Careful darling that it doesn’t turn into cold bitterness when he forgets, or his txts are shorter. Keep your heart soft towards him.
How quickly I forget my own words! How easy to decide how I should be loved, and hold Joel and others to that invisible standard – allowing myself to be wounded when they fall short. (Sounds childish when I put that on paper) Stupid, but so easy to do. Here’s my story:
I wanted a note. Words are important to me, and written words especially. When Joel and I were dating, we lived a solid hour apart and saw each other once a week. He often wrote notes and left them for me to find – sometimes long, sometimes just a sentence or two. I loved it. Fast forward to now: we’re married and loving it, get to see each other every day (which is awesome!), he’s working full time and in school part time…..and no notes. Now, an outside observer of this situation might see that perhaps he was telling me in person all those things he used to write down for me. That’s logical (I’m not). I wanted a note. So I dropped hints. Left him notes, thinking he’d reciprocate. Got increasingly upset, and decided I felt unloved when it didn’t happen.
Basically I was throwing a temper tantrum to myself. I finally had a meltdown about it, cried a lot, and told him how I was feeling (imagine, what a novel idea). Not the best way to go about it, but at least communication was happening. He promised to start writing notes again, and I promised to communicate instead of getting so upset, and to see things from his perspective too – starting with how insanely busy his mind is right now.
The next morning he woke me up with a cup of coffee and a handwritten letter that he’d gotten up early to write for me. I felt very unworthy of that act of love. That morning I read my letter snuggled up next to him, thanking God for all the things I’d been taking for granted.
Hugs…kisses… “I’m coming home” txts…dishes that he does…all the hankies he’s been ready with when I’m crying…the kind words he says…his encouragement to spend time doing things that I love, and the joy he shares with me when I’m telling him about it.
“I was drawing today”
“Great, babe! Can I see?”
I’m loved. Moral of today’s story – if you don’t feel loved, chances are you’re just not permitting your heart to receive love, because a particular act you’ve latched onto isn’t happening just the way you want it. Keep your heart soft towards people, and keep communicating. (trust me, it’s way better than freaking out.)
xo,
Rachael
Wide Awake 